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Chapter 53: Do Undeads Dream of Love

Carmen’s mind short circuited Kagriss drew closer to her. “W—wait.”

“We can’t?” Kagriss asked, leaning back and sitting back on her feet. The smile on her face was gone, replaced with the barest of frowns. But even that frown looked pitiful when she stared at Carmen with those violet eyes of hers.

Although those eyes pleaded for Carmen to agree, Carmen managed to shut her eyes and shake her head. “No,” she muttered. “We can’t.”

As a pure undead, Kagriss lacked common sense. She didn’t truly know what she was asking for, even going so far as to call it studying. To say yes in this situation, no matter how much she wanted to, went against everything Carmen ever learned.

It was morally wrong, wasn’t it?

She tried to calm the emotions in her, telling herself that she shouldn’t.

But this time, instead of dropping the matter like she had the previous night, Kagriss didn’t give up so easily and pressed on, putting the things she had learned to use. She tilted her head, the gesture so innocent that Carmen found it hard to imagine that this woman—no, girl in front of her had just been trying to seduce her.

“Why not?” Kagriss asked.

“Why not?” Carmen searched for an answer. She couldn’t say that Kagriss didn’t know what she was doing. Kagriss would definitely answer that she did know, that she was trying to learn more. 

As much of an airhead as Kagriss seemed at times, Kagriss was still perfectly capable of logical thought, even if she was lacking in knowledge that should be common—like what was happening now. 

But on the other hand, what exactly was wrong about learning more? Nothing—as long as Carmen didn’t demonstrate it physically by laying hands on Kagriss. Words only.. 

“Am I really going to have to give the talk to a lich? I have to look up when we speak,” she muttered. “And I haven’t even given it to Fleur yet.”

In her worries, Carmen had forgotten that lichs had hearing just as good as zombie warriors, and Kagriss leaned forward right in her face. When she looked up, wide violet eyes were right in front of her, eye-to-eye.

Her heart skipped a beat in shock as she fell back.

“What did you say? Mistress?” Kagriss asked. As Carmen fell onto her back, Kagriss reached out with a hand.

Carmen stared at the outstretched hand, not comprehending what Kagriss was doing. Was it another trick? Something Kagriss wanted to study?

The longer she stared, the more confused Kagriss got as well. “Are you going to get up?” she questioned.

Carmen wanted to blow up her own head with holy magic to cleanse what was inside as she finally realized what Kagriss’s intent was. The lich merely wanted to help her up, but because of everything that Kagriss did before, she had assumed it was the beginning of something lewd. Not to mention, the response that she had expected Kagriss to do when she fell was to crawl on top of her…

Carmen shook her head. In the first place, how did two girls do it? Was she even qualified to give the talk as she was now? What was the talk again…

Her mind grew numb.

“Mistress?” Kagriss asked, looking at her with concern. “Why not?”

Why not indeed?

From the mess of thoughts that was her mind, Carmen pulled out a reason at random. “Because it’s something you only do with people you love.”

But that wasn’t true, or else why did brothels exist? On the other hand, if the reason will keep Kagriss away from her, then it worked as a stopgap measure.

She froze as Kagriss laid down on the loam next to her. “Mistress, what is love? How do I know who I love?”

Another difficult to answer question, especially for someone who’s never fallen in love. Ironically, it was probably a better question to ask Anne, and maybe Fleur. At least Anne loved Fleur unconditionally and Fleur seemed to love Anne back. As for herself…

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “But I guess a possible indicator of love is when you like to spend time with the other person, want to protect them, and that they make you happy…something like that.”

There were some other more abstract “definitions” like “seeing the other person makes you feel like you’re bathing in a ray of sunshine,” but she left them off for now to avoid confusing Kagriss with too much information, not to mention it probably wasn’t true for everyone.

“In other words…it’s being attracted to the other person?” she finished, hesitantly. Carmen wasn’t really sure herself.

“In that case, I love you,” Kagriss said. “Hm? This is strange. I’m not crying.”

“Why would you be crying?” Carmen asked, exasperated. She pointedly ignored the “I love you” from the lich.

“Because that girl with the hair of fire, Anne, cried when she confessed to Fleur. Yet, I don’t feel like I’m about to cry at all,” Kagriss said, perplexed. Although tears flowed out her eyes, she had no sign of sadness or melancholy on her face. In the end, the tears were only liquid produced manually by Kagriss’s body on her command when she tried to imitate Anne.

So Kagriss had seen what Anne and Fleur had been doing. Carmen shook her head. If Fleur and Anne was the only example of romance that Kagriss had ever seen, then it made sense that the image imprinted so deeply in the lich’s mind.

“You don’t have to cry when you’re confessing your feelings,” she said, trying to correct the misunderstanding. “You can be happy, sad, excited, nervous, all of it. It depends on the circumstances. It’s only because Anne was already feeling bad that she cried.”

“I see. Then, I suppose that it’s fine,” Kagriss said, staring into the air as she filed the information into her mind, before looking back down at Carmen, once again captivating her with her violet eyes. “Mistress, I love you.”

“No, you don’t love me. I have no idea how you feel about me, but it definitely isn’t love,” Carmen said. Why would the lich even love her? Not to mention she still wasn’t sure if Kagriss was completely loyal yet.

Why did Kagriss even choose to follow her anyway? Simple “strength” and “an opportunity to learn” could not be it, since the lord-class undead at Amaranthine Point should all be stronger than she was currently.

The only plausible excuse was “learning,” which Kagriss was arguably doing right now. In that case, the relationship she has with Kagriss should only be student and pupil, and not a romantic one.

However, even after hearing her explanation, Kagriss shook her head, unconvinced. “Why isn’t it love? It fits all of the definitions that you have given me,” she said, going through them one by one. “I like to spend time with you. I want to protect you. And not only do you make me happy, you taught me what happiness meant.”

Kagriss’s pale face reddened, the color conspicuous in the moonlight. Carmen could not believe what she was seeing. Kagriss was blushing? 

Was Kagriss doing it on purpose, by manipulating the blood in her body? Or was it real, and she really felt embarrassed? There were also dozens of different other reasons why someone might fake a blush, but Carmen couldn’t think of any at the moment. 

Could undead even feel love?

Suddenly, Carmen felt that despite becoming an undead herself, she remained as ignorant of the undead as she had been when she was a templar of the Cloud Order. While she gained some knowledge, they only pertained to the creation of the undead, how strong they were, how to fight as and against one. 

But not once did she consider if higher undead could experience emotions. She always assumed that she had been the exception because she was formerly human—an impure, which is why she only had a limiter instead of a complete block on emotions.

In contrast, the undeads she faced in the past seemed devoid of those very emotions. Was it because they lack the capacity, or was it because they simply didn’t know of the existence of emotions and thus did not know how to express it—thus a matter of ignorance?

Saevar claimed that pure undead did not feel emotions, only imitate the outward appearance of it. However, he had also begged her not to kill him when she broke his sword and had him at her mercy.

Was fear not an emotion, or was it just a survival instinct at play?

Was there a difference? 

Did Kagriss truly feel love?

Under her piercing, searching gaze, Kagriss did not shrink away, but instead bared her whole self toward her. The blush remained on her face and she smiled. “I like to spend time with you. I want to protect you. I am happy when I’m with you,” she repeated almost word for word. 

Carmen couldn’t sense any signs of a lie. However, she couldn’t tell if it was because Kagriss’s undead nature scrubbed her of all tells, or if it was because Kagriss truly believed her own words.

When Carmen didn’t reply, Kagriss’s smile faded, replaced by a frown. “Mistress, I love you. I like to—”

“Enough!” Carmen held up a hand, cutting off the lich’s words. Kagriss was making her frustrated, and she didn’t even totally understand why herself. It was like everything she knew had been a lie, and now she was trying to build everything from scratch again, starting with Kagriss.

And Kagriss didn’t make sense. Kagriss was the one that turned everything on its head in Carmen’s mind.

The lich stopped talking. Whereas even Carmen was surprised by the harshness of her own voice, the lich didn’t jump in surprise, nor did she seem to understand what the different emotions that the tones of voice represented.

“What’s the matter, Mistress?”

Slowly, Carmen realized that Kagriss wasn’t the one to blame. It was her own ignorance. She shook her head. “No…it’s nothing. I was just confused, is all.”

“What are you confused about?”

“That’s something for me to worry about,” Carmen answered.

Kagriss’s violent eyes blinked, her long lashes fluttering. “Then, can we do it?” she asked—no, pleaded. “Teach me, Mistress. I love you.”

 Carmen took a deep breath and rubbed her face. Again, Kagriss was asking her, even though she didn’t even know what she was asking for. But then, it was precisely that she didn’t know that she was asking. In that case, shouldn’t Carmen teach her, verbally what sex meant?

And, if in the end, Kagriss’s mind remained unchanged at the end of the talk, then Carmen will give in to her requests—as she had wanted to do but refused the whole time. 

After all, it was because of her own principles—and perhaps because she was a little scared and nervous, now that everything she had learned to do as a man was tossed into the trash with her change into a vampire—that she repeatedly rejected Kagriss.

Just because she was now in a female body didn’t mean that her preferences changed. If they had, she wouldn’t have been so tempted by Kagriss just then.

Pushing the image of Kagriss’s body out of her mind, she sat up and pulled Kagriss up as well. They sat on the ground, face to face. As if sensing that something important was about to happen, Kagriss fell still and silent, no longer trying to convince Carmen.

If only she could stay like that, quiet, forever. But what was to come will come eventually, and there was no point in complaining now.

Looking straight into Kagriss’s eyes, Carmen began by clearing her throat. “What you want to do is called sex. I had lied before—it’s not only done between people in love,” she said.

Kagriss’s eyes widened and she bit her lips, but she didn’t say anything. However, Carmen saw the betrayal in her eyes.

Trying to ignore the accusing gaze, Carmen continued. “It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re in love—although it’s a nice addition—as long as you keep in mind the following things…”

The talk, whether it was to boys or girls, were largely similar. After all, the consequences applied to both, and consent applied to things other than just sex. Even if many of the risks were largely eliminated thanks to how Kagriss was undead and thus couldn’t get pregnant or be infected with a disease, Carmen talked about them nonetheless.

She simply regurgitated everything she had learned, explaining as honestly from her assumptions and limited experience when Kagriss had questions. However, the talk inevitably looped around back to the who, and when.

For Carmen, she thought sex should only be done with people that she was at least somewhat attracted to—and she was attracted to Kagriss. She couldn’t deny that Kagriss was pretty. 

Besides, she had already been single and alone for so long. If it was that bad when she was a templar, how much worse would it be now that she was an undead and no longer a member of the living? 

Kagriss was the first undead she knew that didn’t try to kill her and was willing to talk with her. 

Being together with Kagriss didn’t sound bad. Sure, she didn’t know Kagriss very well, but all relationships needed time.

As Kagriss’s watery eyes narrowed and she pounced on top of Carmen, Carmen let go of the restraints she wrapped herself in. Even as her fangs grew out, she relaxed and allowed Kagriss to take her and drown her in a clumsy, but soft embrace.

“I’m sorry, I can’t teach you anything since I don’t know how any of this works,” she murmured.

She heard Kagriss’s soft voice in her ear. “We can learn together.”